god – Notes from My Heartsong

“If I can set down my bag and brew a good cup of coffee,” I announced to a friend, “Then I’ll say I’m at home.”

After a recent episode with my basement apartment getting too humid and growing mold in the carpet, I had to move out.

While still living at my temporary home, where gracious hosts gladly are allowing me to use their basement apartment, I made plans to visit my family for a few days.

And next, my world tilted very crazily when I was asked to teach school about an hour from where this is all going on.

I said yes.

The journey from when they asked me, to when I called them back with my answer, was turbulent to say the least. However, I’m grateful that God leads clearly.

And now? I’m with my family, hours away from the chaos that awaits me upon my return.

I’m making plans for a cleaning bee when the mold in my house has been treated. I’m mentally organizing my kitchen cabinets so that it will be easy for friends to help me pack my belongings for the move.

I’m creating imaginary lists in my mind of what I need to buy for my new home, imaginary lists because I don’t know what it looks like yet, or where it is, and if it’s stocked or not.

The men on the school board, all of whose existence I was unaware of a few weeks ago, has committed to finding me lodging. It sounds like they have a plan in place now.

They’ve also been working frantically to pull all the necessary documents together for my attorney, because we need to apply for my new work visa ASAP.

We were given 3 days to accomplish a process that took all summer last time I moved… no wonder my head is spinning.

No wonder I feel a bit like I’m floating aimlessly, as I wander through my hometown and try to comprehend all the changes happening in my world.

I am loving a week to reconnect with friends I rarely see anymore, to sit and chat with Mom for hours, to wake up in my own bed that still feels familiar after all these months away.

In it all, I really don’t know where home is, but I am learning what makes a place home.

People I love – whether that’s family or the friends God has placed around me when family is far away.

The simple things – my white fuzzy blanket, mugs with scripture on them, a pretty tin of tea bags, my blue journal and some gel pens.

A place outside – anywhere I can step outdoors to look up at the same stars or enjoy a sunrise, the miles between my homes seem to fade.

My next home, though unknown to me as if yet, will become a comfortable landing place for me with time. When I fill it with my things and add a few string lights, it will be an inviting space.

People ask if I’m not overwhelmed or intimidated by this change of direction… not really? Does my mind spin sometimes, thinking about all that needs to happen? Of course it does.

But scared, no. It’s been pretty obviously God’s hand lining up all the details. How can I do anything other than simply enjoy the ride?

God has been faithful all along this winding road. He’s never led me around a bend without His presence on the path beyond.

So I slow down to breathe a prayer when it’s all a little much, and stay rooted safely in the One Who is Unchanging through it all…

I trust His hand is leading me on this narrow and unknown way.

I believe by faith we’re still walking toward a beautiful sunset, an eternal home, a place to stay forever and never move again. A perfect home, where I won’t have to intentionally create a welcoming environment because my Father has already prepared a place for me. ♡

“I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I’m going to believe the best does. It has a fascination all it’s own, that bend…” ~Anne of Green Gables

There is a common struggle among women, and that is dealing with these things called emotions.

The very word brings understanding nods and knowing looks and amused grins.

It brings an animated discussion into our rather quiet youth girls Sunday school class.

We know what emotions are!

But there’s a prevalent misconception among us that to be emotionally mature, we need to master our emotions, and that means we deny feeling them at all.

It is true that we should master our feelings, rather than letting them control us.

The denial of their existence, however, is to live a lie.

God knows us intimately well, far better than we could ever express ourselves, and we try to pretend we’re not feeling the emotions He created us with!

I hear it so often from friends in all walks of life “I need to just accept this and not question God.”

So God doesn’t expect that you’ll feel anything in response to the hard situation you’re in?

He’s okay with it that when you don’t understand Him and His ways, you don’t even bother asking Him about it?

The Creator of galaxies, Who pursued your heart to the cross, doesn’t mind that you aren’t even acting interested in getting to know Him in deeper ways?

I don’t support angry ranting at God, but I don’t think that all hard questions need to be repressed, either.

There’s a slight shift in wording that makes these two phrases mean vastly different things: “questioning God” or “asking God questions.”

To question something is to doubt it, to lack confidence in it’s legitimacy, to challenge its credibility.

To ask questions is to seek information, to learn more about the subject, and it is an expectant act believing that there will be an answer.

We do not question that God is good.

But when we don’t understand how His ways are good, we ask Him questions.

Faith filled questions that express a belief that He is Who He says He is, but we are seeking to know more about Him.

For a simple illustration of this, follow me down a quick bunny trail: I was asking math questions the other night. Dad was showing me a shortcut for manually extracting a square root, and of course he did it so quickly I didn’t have time to grasp the concept.

I saw that it worked, and I was impressed, but I wanted to understand how it worked. I didn’t question the math – I knew it was legitimate – but I sure had questions to ask about the concept that made it work!

That’s how it is with God and our emotions sometimes. We don’t question that He’s good, but we wonder how He’s good. We struggle to see the deeper work going on.

And those feelings that come with that – He created those emotions. Grief. Hope. Anger. Compassion. They exist because He gave us the ability to feel them.

Feelings produce action, and since some feelings produce good actions while others don’t, we classify our emotions into categories of “acceptable” and “unacceptable.”

What if it’s not about what we feel, but how we deal with it, that matters?

What if we can take the feelings we don’t like to God, and ask Him what to do with them? He can then replace them with His peace, since we’ve invited Him to do so instead of just pretending the yuck didn’t exist.

If we react to our circumstances with emotions that make us wonder who God is or how this can be love, we don’t need to push those questions aside.

God is inviting us to learn more about Him!

And the emotions we judge as negative… are the very ones that inspire the hard questions. Questions which will lead to a deeper connection with the heart of the Suffering Saviour.

The only way to know a subject well is to ask questions. Dig deep. Relentlessly pursue all the information you can get.

Why would we not pursue knowing our Redeemer and Father in the same way?

We don’t question that God is God.

But because we believe by faith that He IS our Good Father, and therefore we want to know as much as we can about Him, we ask questions to learn.

And as we wait expectantly on Him, He will reveal His heart to us in answer to our questions.

So, ladies, let’s be brave. Let’s be vulnerable before the God Who already knows every corner of our hearts.

And maybe, our questionable emotions will be redeemed if they are the motivation to getting to know God in a deeper way.

…and that is a summary of my thoughts on emotions and questions, following various recent conversations with friends regarding said topics.

Tag: god

This Winding Road (Words from within the Whirlwind)

Emotions, Questions, and Questionable Emotions