Auntie, school teacher, serving God wherever He calls me.🤍 "Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you? Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too."
In the last year of my life, there have been so many questions. So many prayers. So many heartcries…
And now, it’s becoming clear that even where I could not see them, there have been So. Many. Answers.
Sometimes, God answers prayer in a far greater way than I ever imagined when I made the request.
A deeper way… a way that feels like He hasn’t heard… like He’s forgotten me, while in reality…
He is working all things together for the greater good.
Because every piece of the story, though they appear so random to me, is connected in the big picture that only God can see. He is weaving each individual thread into one masterpiece.
Lately, that has been made so clear as I examine the the why of suffering.
What if… there’s a purpose for all of it?
What if… this is part of the journey to a beautiful place?
Instead of asking, “Why?” in a tone of anguished defeat, I’m beginning to see all the possibilities in this and ask, “What if?”
And that question is loaded with great potentials, which still create more questions than answers…
But I’m content to rest in the idea that for now, that may be my answer.
To keep asking about the possible good outcomes this could create. To keep seeking them.
Through the challenges I’ve been faced with, I’ve wrestled with questions I never would have thought of asking before.
And the answers to those questions are only found in searching to know more of Who God is.
Now, in the heat of the battle, wrestling, searching, longing, seeking… I am becoming grateful for the gift of this journey.
Because my place in this broken world has been shaken, I’ve gotten homesick for my home… Heaven.
A desire for perfection was written into our hearts when we were born in Eden, but we all know this world is far removed from its original state. That’s why disappointments hurt… our instincts tell us it wasn’t meant to be this way.
But in the everyday moments, when life flows along smoothly, we forget who we are, why we’re here, and where we’re going. We can become quite focused on our earthly lives, and really would be fine with staying quite awhile.
That perspective changes quickly, though, when life holds disappointment.
When we are faced with pain, we remember the reality that we don’t belong here. We belong with Jesus, in Heaven.
And since we can’t go there yet, we seek to walk more closely with Him here… because He has made Himself available to share our lives if we will invite Him in.
Walking intimately with Jesus is like a prelude to Heaven, a security in an uncertain world.
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.
And I wouldn’t have this experience if pain hadn’t made me long for Heaven… and therefore seek Jesus more than before…
I used to wonder why I was created with a deep compassion for those who are suffering, if my life has been so blessed.
I’ve felt the deep desire to walk alongside those who are struggling under the extreme challenges their lives hold… yet I’ve also wrestled with knowing that I haven’t experienced much pain in life. Because of that, anyone who has would be fully accurate if they would accuse me of not having the ability to understand.
For many years, I believed by faith that God is good, but my life circumstances had not seriously challenged that belief.
And now that I’ve personally had to wrestle with that question, I still believe that God is good. More than ever.
But when I say that… it’s so much deeper. Filled with new meaning. Because I have had to search out His goodness in the hard and holy places… and this, I’ve learned, is the sacredness of suffering.
To seek God and discover His goodness in the most unlikely places, and open a whole new journey into the depths of experiencing His greatness.
Now, with the new perspectives I’m given the opportunity to learn, maybe I will become more.
I knew I was lacking, and I wanted to be used for God’s service, but I couldn’t have chosen a way to effectively equip myself.
I wanted a closer experience of knowing Jesus… a greater thirst to understand God’s ways… a deeper journey into His heart.
And although I never would have chosen the methods I see God using to work in my life, I am slowly understanding how suffering can be a gift… because nothing else could cultivate these things in me the way suffering does.
What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
Blessings, by Laura Story
What if these tears are to teach me the empathy I knew I was missing before?
What if instead of an ending, this is the beginning of an awesome journey I never could have imagined taking?
What if through loss, life could become filled with so muchmore?
*photography and design by Jackie, author of this blog. Lyrics on photos are excerpts from “Blessings” by Laura Story.
Surrounded by the playful shouts of running children, standing in the sunshine on the school playground, I inhaled slowly.
Exhaled.
Willed myself to forget my exhaustion and inner pain, and focus on the idyllic scene all around me.
Pain doesn’t disappear at command, apparently.
But joy can be sought and found, which I have discovered to be an effective method in getting through difficult times.
So once again, I determined to shift the focus from coping with these emotions, to seeking a reason to smile.
(Sometimes, we do have to walk through the messiness in our hearts. But there are times and places, like at school when you’re the teacher, that you need to be able to effectively distract yourself so that you can function well in your role.)
I turned slowly and took in everything… the area filled with running children, the delighted shrieks and giggles coming from the swings, the little boys so intensely committed to their baseball game…
Amid all the action, I noticed a child standing not far behind me.
All by herself, a post of the playground nearly hid her from my sight.
I stepped toward her, and the wispy, blonde ponytailed head peeked out.
Blue eyes held my gaze with a reproachful stare.
“How’s your day in kindergarten been so far?” I began.
“Good!” She replied instantly.
Hmmm. Okay, but she’s not playing with the others and doesn’t look too happy about something… I decided to try another tactic.
“Would you like to play with the others?”
Very sweetly, but with 5 year old confidence, she answered in the negative.
“Are you enjoying your recess, just relaxing here?”
“No.”
O-Kay! This time, her negative answer held an accusing tone.
“I’m sorry to hear that – can you tell me why?”
Again, Miss Tiny’s confident voice sounded accusing. A little arm stretched up and pointed at the swinging rings on the playset as she declared, “I want to go across.”
“I’ve been waiting,” she added. “And no one came to help me.”
I patiently apologized, assured her I would be glad to help, now that I knew she wanted to go across.
In my mind, I thought, “And this is why I’m not a kindergarten teacher. Like – how long would she have waited if I hadn’t seen her there? Here I’m feeling terrible for not noticing sooner, yet she could have told me!”
As she beamed down at me while I guided her from one ring to the next, I was still exasperated and amused inside. May God bless all kindergarten teachers with wisdom to read the minds of their students… and understand without being told when they “want to go across.”
Suddenly, it was like God turned the lights on and revealed the purpose for this little exchange. Just like that, I saw myself.
Timidly standing at the bottom of the steep mountain range, stubbornly refusing to ask anyone for help.
Just waiting.
Wondering where God is, and when He’s going to show up to help me navigate this.
Sure, He knows what I need and can read my thoughts before I tell Him. But even when I can predict what a student needs by the desparate jabbing of their hand in the air, I still appreciate when they use their communication skills to tell me. Does God not desire me to do the same?
His Father-Heart wants connection with me, and that is formed when I speak to Him in prayer.
He desires my expression of trust in coming to Him and saying, “I can’t do this alone… I need Your help.”
He loves when I acknowledge Him for Who He is, and admit that I’m at the end of myself.
I set the little girl safely on the platform after helping her across, and as she runs off to play, I smile at the retreating ponytail that bounces with her steps.
A little child shall lead them…
I returned to the place I stood before, no longer hugging myself so tightly as if trying to hold my fragile heart together.
It’s time to stop staring at the mountain and wondering how to get over it.
I’m done pacing in circles at the foot of it, asking why God hasn’t taken it away.
That simple exchange at recess was designed by a Divine Hand to show me what I need to do…
I stretched out my hands and whispered,
“God, I want to go across.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell You sooner, and that I just kept asking You why You haven’t come to go up the mountain with me. You’ve been here waiting to start the climb, just patiently waiting until I humble myself to acknowledge my need.
So here I am now, God. I know I’m too weak to climb this by myself. Will You help me?
If you’ve ever spent the wee hours in wakefulness, this one is for you.
Yes, you, the one tossing and turning, wishing to sleep, or wishing for the night to be over, longing for morning to come and end this fight for rest…
Join me. I’m awake, too. And so is God.
Typically, I’m blessed with the gift of sleep… but I have had enough times where I’m unable to sleep that I definitely cherish a good night’s rest as a gift.
I’m on a personal journey right now of learning to look for the good in each moment God allows in my life. His will for us is His gift to us, and I am determined to discover the hidden blessing even in the challenges. However, nights of waking up at 1 or 2 am throw a decent curveball into that ambition…
Exciting as it was to stay up late at sleepovers when we were kids, we all know that unwanted wakefulness through the wee hours is no fun.
When your mind is exhausted, the sun is long gone from view, and you stare into the darkness, longing for morning… any problems you have become larger, and you might even start to imagine problems you don’t have.
This is real.
Satan loves to tempt us when we’re alone and exhausted.
Do you dread those night hours? Do you fear the battle, when the hours slip by painstakingly slow, and you can do nothing but endure?
While you’re waiting for the morning to come, rest in these truths.
You are never alone. God never sleeps and He is with you.
Morning will come. It seems to take forever, but every moment, it is closer.
Sleeplessness is a gift.
Wait. What?! Yes, dear friend, you read that correctly. It doesn’t feel like a gift, especially not at 5 am when you’re blogging to pass the time, wondering how to survive the next day that is now alarmingly close…
But God has been faithful to open my eyes since I asked Him to show me the good in all things.
God of the day is very much Present in the long, lonely nights. If you can gather the strength, get up and find a window. Gaze at the stars, and God will feel closer. Experience His greatness.
This has often been my way of getting life back into perspective, but the other night, I couldn’t see the stars when I looked for them. They were hidden completely by clouds… feeling discouraged, “God, why clouds tonight? I needed to see the stars!”
Well, He didn’t change the view in the sky… but I was suddenly impressed by the fact that when those clouds blow away, the stars will still be there. That even in the moments I can’t see them, they are each in their divinely appointed place.
And God whispered to me, that even when clouds of disappointment hide the good in my story, it is there. As He planned it. And when the clouds disappear, I will see it.
That night, I learned more by not seeing the stars than if I had seen them. But I was glad to be comforted by their beauty again tonight.
I used to fear being awake in the night, because of all the ways the enemy tries to get me down.
But realizing that God is also present in the night, always close to me and with me, helps immensely.
So, these hours must have some good use, or God wouldn’t ask me to live through them. No moment in our stories is intended to be wasted time, so what good purpose does God want me to accomplish at 4 am? Well, I have lots of time to think about it, and He did reveal a few good things to me.
When I’m utterly tired, my heart is more open. More ready to listen to Him, too exhausted to hold on to any stubbornness. I’m finding that the Bible speaks to me in deeper, more personal ways in the wee hours than when I am awake, choosing how to apply it.
Prayer is also a closer communion than in the day, because between 12 and 5, there’s just me and God. No schedule to rush off to. No distractions. Just the hours to pass while waiting for the gift of sleep… and meanwhile, enjoying the gift of closeness to God.
We do need physical rest to function, but God has promised to always provide what we need.
I’m learning that His definition of my needs doesn’t always match mine. I want 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and a clear mind…
He gives me 3 hours and then provides His strength to lean on. Somehow, I make it through the day. He always provides.
God’s ideal level for me to function at also looks different than mine sometimes. I have a life to live, a class to teach, a calendar full of events…
And sometimes, less sleep is what it takes to get me to slow down. To take a rest. Or worse, I’m forced to ask others for help. Admitting when I’m not able to manage everything… that takes great effort and humility.
It turns out, if I can wrestle down the “I’m perfectly fine” attitude and humble myself to accepting the help of others, people are generally more sympathetic than judgemental. God provides those people to be there, because He knows I will need them.
God provides what we need. Not always in the way we imagine, but He Who knows our needs best, can best provide for them.
So, dear friend… look to the skies.
Watch the stars, or if it’s cloudy, rest in the knowledge that they are there. Just as surely as God is with you even though you can’t see Him, and there’s good in this experience though it’s still veiled by clouds.
While you’re waiting for morning, enjoy the gift of communing with God. Your tiredness allows you to be weak enough to surrender to Him.
Less, “why, God? I thought…” And more “okay, God. Your way is best.”
God isn’t forgetting about you, awake in your bed while the world is asleep. He sees. He’s listening to your prayers, and He will speak to you if you listen.
Night can be a very precious time, if we just focus our eyes on God.
When someone asks me, “What’s your occupation?” I reply, “I’m a grade four teacher.”
I don’t say, “Ringleader of the circus in Grade 4A.”
“Zookeeper.”
“Part time mom of 15 nine year olds.”
“Babysitter, mentor, nurse, peacemaker, and in general, chaos coordinator.”
People don’t expect to hear those things… so I describe my role as “teacher.” Because teacher is a commonly used word to describe the tallest person in any given elementary classroom.
(It’s also a lovely, professional-sounding term for the job – a job which is really more like an unpredictable adventure you get to embark on every day. 😉)
Heads nod. “Ohhh, you teach school. Nice.”
So yes. I teach.
I prep oodles of lessons, explain concepts, guide discussions, correct mistakes.
But I’m really just the student with the largest desk.
Teaching means passing knowledge on to others. Sharing truths. And sometimes, they teach me.
They spout comments that are packed with wisdom. They ask questions that challenge me to examine what I believe, and why. I never know when I answer a raised hand just what I’ll hear…
Recently I was attempting to teach a science lesson on the human ear. Amid an extreme case of giggles affecting the class (apparently ears – specifically the auricles – are incredibly hilarious), I saw a hand raised that was not accompanied with that mischievous twinkle.
Hoping to get the lesson back on a more orderly foot, I called on that student. The question was much more serious than I had expected.
“Why would God not design someone’s ear to work right? If He doesn’t make any mistakes, why does He make deaf people?”
Ouch. Swallow. I walked to my desk and sat on the front edge of it before answering.
(That’s my position for deep discussions. Out from behind my podium or desk, no barriers between us… sitting down as one of them. By sitting on my desk, I still have a bit more height so I assume the role of leading the conversation, without appearing too authoritative.) *And yes, I have been told I overthink things!😄
My mind was spinning. She said, “IF.” “If God doesn’t make mistakes, why…”
The class leaned forward in anticipation. Me sitting on my desk was a signal that were going to spend some time off topic… I’m opening a class discussion on a side lesson I feel is important. And they were all waiting for an answer.
These children had no idea what I was dealing with that day. That their teacher was also wondering why God allows bad things, when He is good. But a child in my class has asked “if God doesn’t make mistakes, why…?”
It wasn’t about the human ear, or deafness. This question mattered, because there was an if where there should have been an absolute. As a Christian educator, I am called to teach the truth about God.
But really? “God, You want me to teach this concept… now?”
I realized I’d been asking the same question and not facing it. Denying it’s existence in my heart, instead of wrestling with it as I should. And now, a roomful of expectant faces waited for my answer, and I knew with conviction there was only one thing I could tell them.
But how could I explain it, while wrestling with it in so much pain myself?
I took a deep breath, asked God to provide words, opened my mouth and plunged in.
“First of all, I want you all to know that God does not make mistakes. Ever. There’s no if… God makes no mistakes.”
Faces relaxed. They’d been taught this, and their childlike impression of God’s character was just reaffirmed by someone they trust. (This role allows me to impact children so much it’s terrifying! They believe whatever I say – I need to speak carefully, wisely, and truthfully!)
But I couldn’t leave the answer there. I’d clarified the “if”, but it would soon be back if I didn’t explain the “why?”.
I found myself explaining how God originally designed everything to be perfect. We went back to Eden, and then the fall of man. “If everything would be perfect now,” I went on, “then we’d still be in Eden. It’s because of us, our sin, that things aren’t perfect.”
“But one thing didn’t change, and that is God’s love for us. We have to live in a broken world now, where bad things happen, people die, plants decay, and yes, sometimes babies are born deaf. But God doesn’t leave us to live through it alone. So when He plans each life, He sees where the imperfections are. He sees the parts that will hurt us and be difficult for us, and He writes His love into every line of story. He never allows anyone to experience something that He isn’t strong enough to help them handle – He plans exactly how much we each can manage, and faithfully carries us through the life He gives to us. So although bad things do happen, they aren’t just random. God is in control, and He loves us enough to help us through all the hard things we face. When God allows a hard thing, it is never a mistake – He plans every detail of our lives carefully and lovingly.”
I don’t know how much they understood… or if they’ll remember this in the middle of their young adulthood struggles 10 years from now. I hope that the concept will at least remain and build their faith.
But I think God allowed that question for me. By forcing me to pause and face that question, knowing I would struggle to answer it myself… He spoke through me to my students when I asked Him to, and therefore impressed the truth on my aching heart as well.
God never makes mistakes.
The girl who adamantly said that teaching is the last occupation on earth she would consider… was taken on a bumpy career journey which eventually landed her behind a teachers desk.
Years later, in a difficult season, she finds herself being taught the truths her heart needs through the precious students God placed in her life.
Yes, He had it all planned to place me right here, this moment. Every event, both painful and good, contributed to God’s perfect plan for my life… and this will continue as He writes my story.
Repair. Rebuild. These words are familiar to me. They’re comforting words – they speak of restoration. A returning to what was, making whole and strong again.
But lately another concept has filled my mind.
Reformation.
Reform… to literally be formed again.
I’ve been broken before. It hurts. My plans get a few cracks, my heart ends up a little bruised, but Jesus repairs. He mends the broken places and life goes on. There might be a few battle scars, but overall, I am still me. Life is still familiar. And I realize, the pain was worth it. After I’m repaired, I see that it is Good.
Sometimes, an event has left me shattered. The pain goes deep. My heart isn’t only bruised, it’s in pieces. My plans break apart. They aren’t only cracked, they’re no longer in one piece.
But Jesus, the Carpenter from Nazareth, loves to rebuild. He takes all the pieces and fits them back together. It might not look quite like the original, but it is beautiful. After He rebuilds my life, I see that everything worked out for Good.
But what if I’m totally crushed? What if I’m way beyond cracked and bruised? More than shattered – because the pieces of me, my plans, and my life aren’t even recognizable? No hint of the original remains.
What then?
You can’t glue something back together if you don’t even have pieces to work with. If they’re crushed into fine powder, what then?
Thankfully, God isn’t limited to repairing or rebuilding things. He isn’t only a Carpenter, He is a Potter.
He wants to re-form me.
Dust and water are necessary to make clay…
Clay can be molded into beautiful, brand new vessels – completely different than the original.
There may be slight similarities, sure. Still made of clay. Still a vessel to be filled with any given substance. But, new.
Crushed lives, dreams, and identities may appear hopeless. But they are filled with vitality when saturated with the living water of God’s love!
God isn’t finished with me, with my life. His purpose for me is ever unfolding, and the same is true for you who reads this.
I don’t like being crushed. I’m afraid of the waves of pain that break over my head at times and almost push me under.
But… I do kind of like the idea of being reformed.
What’s God going to make my life into? How will He shape me through this?
If this crushing is necessary to produce the dust God needs to work with, I’ll relax into the ride. Let the waves toss me… let the Master Potter breathe life into me and shape me in His skillful hands…
And someday I’ll look back and realize, He has made me gloriously NEW!
I will have the same key features of course. Human. A vessel to be filled with Jesus. But oh, I hope I’m able to carry more of His love for others. I hope I will be formed in a way that reveals more of Him and less of me.
Am I enjoying this place in life? Not. At. All.
But there shines a brilliant light of hope in the darkness when I think about being drastically reformed.
Not only a minor repair job. Not being rebuilt into a similar structure. Complete reformation promises an exciting surprise of, “what will it be?!”
God has repaired me, and hurt has become good.
God has rebuilt me, and pain has been replaced with joy.
But now, God is reforming me, and dust will become alive! Just as He made it to be so in Genesis… and promises in Revelation… from cover to cover in the Bible, God delights in creating newness from humble beginnings.
I have faith that I’m not permanently going to be crushed.
I am in the hands of God, the Giver of new life… and I am in the process of being Re-Formed.
The intensity of the current pain gives me hope… that the new creation of God’s design for my life will be extraordinarily beautiful.
As I enter the garden this night, it appears peaceful and still. But within, a figure kneels on the ground in a desperate posture, shaking, groaning, fists clenched tightly… In the faint moonlight, I see His lips are moving. Straining to listen, I hear Him say, “If it be Thy will, let this cup pass from me… nevertheless not my will, but Thine be done.”
It’s a gutteral cry, from the depths of an anguished soul… yet beautifully surrendered. His friends lie sleeping nearby, seemingly unconcerned by His agony… there He kneels alone, on the brink of torture and death, but trusting His Father’s will in it all.
Tomorrow is Good Friday, 2023. About 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ was the One described in the scene above, praying in Gethsemane as His disciples slept.
The solitude was shattered when Judas reappeared with an angry mob of Jewish leaders. The infamous betrayer. The rejection must have hurt Christ deeply… but not only that of Judas. The disciples who weren’t able to stay awake with Him in prayer… the Jewish leaders who should have been most excited about the Messiah being in their midst… and then, the whole human race as the crowd shouted, “Crucify Him!”
Why, when the truth was so obvious, could those in leadership not see it? Ordinary people heard and believed that Christ was the Promised One. But those who had studied the prophecies about Him the most would not. They had expected a king who would fulfill their wishes. Jesus came as a servant, yet convicted them of their sins. They could not accept that their interpretation of the scriptures had been wrong, so they would not accept Him. In their attempt to keep their image intact, they rejected the Truth.
And Jesus, Truth Himself, was silent on trial before them. He did not defend Himself or fight. He allowed them to push their false view of Him – a blasphemer of God, when in fact, He WAS God’s own Son – until they killed Him.
Why? He knew Who He was. Why did He give up so easily?
But looking back farther still…
Angels announced His birth and the shepherds testified of all they saw and heard.
A twelve year old boy astonished the scribes with His knowledge.
A Man was baptized, and a Voice was heard. “This is My Beloved Son, in Whom I Am well pleased.”
Sermons were preached. Miracles were done. People were healed. The dead were raised.
The invitation was clear. “Come unto Me and I will give You rest.“
He declared His Identity publicly. “I and my Father are One.” “No man cometh unto the Father but by Me.”
He didn’t go to the grave without making a ripple. He thoroughly showed and stated the message of Truth first… until He didn’t only make ripples, He created turbulent waves. And the more clearly He presented the Truth, the more adamantly it was rejected. He knew when the time had come to be silent. He knew His words were being wasted on an audience who had already determined not to listen with open minds and hearts.
God also knew that a greater victory could be won by stepping back from the heated debates in the temple… the time had come to lay it down.
Soalthough it all appears so wrong that Jesus died… so much like Satan’s will was in control… God’s hand was over it all. It was His will that Jesus stopped telling them His message. He was silent in Pilate’s hall, and didn’t protest as they nailed Him to the cross. He suffered the injustice… the shame… the rejection…
and by all appearances, the Truth died.
Death had won.
But what an amazing victory when the grave was empty on the third day!
God allowed Satan that brief taste of victory.
Only because God saw the greater good.
Satan’s attempt to defeat Jesus really backfired.
Jesus died, yes. And because of His death, through the blood of the Perfect Sacrifice, salvation was made freely accessible to all humanity through the simple & sacred avenue of prayer!
The resurrection power would not exist, had there not been a death prior.
And so it is in all of our life circumstances. This world holds evil. Satan attacks us. Causes us pain. But God is always in control! God Alone sees the full picture which contains the greater good in every situation.
God will never allow Satan to do anything that will not lead to our greater good.
Our loving, all wise Father has a resurrection planned to follow every death He allows.
This Easter, trust Him with everything that seems to be dead in your life. He will bring a resurrection if you remain in Him… the dark grave which your crushed dreams lie in today has potentional to be the womb which will birth greater things than you can imagine!
No, the exact things you desired might not be granted in this life. What emerges from a monarch chrysalis is completely different than the worm that went into it… but the butterfly is far more beautiful. On the other hand, the last chapter of Job tells of God restoring the things that were lost, in greater abundance.
Regardless of how it may look, there will be a resurrection for the death of your dreams. Hold on to faith in Jesus, and I know you will love His choice for you.
Because when you let Him walk with you through the pain, you will always emerge more beautiful. He pours Himself into the cracks of every broken heart that is yielded to His will. And some sweet day, by God’s grace…
you will reach perfection when you pass through your physical death and awake in a complete resurrection.
Never again to be harmed by evil. Death forever conquered…
When life is hard, there are several possible effects.
I could become bitter. No, I have enough pain without hurting myself intentionally. Bitterness will never fix anything!!
I could fight to hold myself together. Not let anyone see. Prove that Christ’s strength in me is great enough to prevent anything from getting me down.
But Jesus wasn’t perfectly composed when facing difficulties. He dreaded the cross with an intensity unknown to us. He doesn’t ask me to be perfectly strong all the time, either.
He only asks me to maintain a strong hold on my faith in Him always, even when I am weak.
So… I could become weak. I could rest in the wave of each emotion, nonresistant. Wait. Allow myself to fully experience this? Not fight it at all, but actually embrace the pain as part of life?
Yes.
But also, give it all to Jesus.
This reaction feels risky. Being weak, giving up the fight, allows my will to be broken.
And that… is where all the beauty begins.
Beauty comes forth from brokenness.
If I give my heart to God, I allow it to be filled with Jesus.
If I humble myself to be weak in His Presence, and give Him every hard emotion I’m hit with, I allow Him to break me.
And then… what a delight!
He will pour Himself into the lives of all I meet, through my cracks.
If I am filled with Jesus and allow myself to be broken, Jesus will spill out of me.
The thought of Jesus’s love flowing freely through me… is humbling. I am unworthy.
But He promises to redeem pain, to use all things for good to His glory.
He always keeps His promises, so I know He will flow through me.
I’m unworthy… it is humbling that He chooses me as His servant… but the image of Jesus flowing through the cracks in my heart is beautiful.
Use me, Lord. Heal me by making me a vessel of Your love to others…
No matter what the outcome of any battle we fight, through God we can gain the victory… even if we lose.
If this sounds irrational, realize that God and His ways weren’t designed to make sense to us. No, I’m not losing my mind, at least I hope not!
But with some careful analysis, God is guiding me to a deeper understanding of how He works in our lives.
Things happen. We get hurt. Man’s will seems to interfere with the good things we desire. Injustice prevails and wrecks our plans… and it appears that Satan won.
We’re defeated. Out of options. Truth is buried, men are blinded, and we are tempted to say God’s will was not done.
My friends, the curse of Eden is still reality today. Evil is very present. Pain is an expected part of our lives here.
But no matter what you face, Satan can’t win… If you keep your eyes on God.
We see the battle being fought as though it’s for our dreams, for our hopes, for our wants.
The real battle is for our very souls.
Satan can strip us of everything we have in this life, as he did Job. Thankfully most of us never get to that point, but even if you’re there, through God you can win.
In any circumstance, the root of the battle, the determining factor of victory is this: to whom do you belong?
I might not get what I wanted. God might allow blessings to be denied. It can seem like the evil forces trying to prevent good in my life, have gotten their way.
But the real reason these things happen is to shake my faith. Satan doesn’t care that much about what I want. He wants me to turn away from my God.
That’s the definition of victory for him… he’s shaking my hold on my Rock in hopes that I’ll let go.
So when things don’t turn out as I prayed they would, I can still say God won.
God’s will is for me to belong to Him. God’s will is done in all things when I choose to keep holding on.
So, let Satan rage and try to shake us. It’s a part of this life.
But with my eyes fixed on Jesus and my soul hidden in my Rock, God wins every battle.
Through God, I can be victorious in all circumstances.
Praise God for gaining the real victory!
In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.
For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord!
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called, according to His purpose.Romans 8:28 KJV
How often have I quoted this verse to comfort myself or others? When things get a little rough, it’s easier to put a band aid on the struggle. “It’ll work out for good.” And not spend much time thinking about it.
But when the pain runs deeper, the analysis of “Why?” automatically gains depth as well.
Why, God? Why did You not clear the pathway?
What was Your reason for allowing this experience in life?
What thread of good purpose can You possibly have woven intoa story that became bathed in so many tears?
Sometimes, the weight of all those questions nearly consumes me.
Other days, the pain of them leaves me exhausted.
Either way, I was feeling drained and empty yesterday, too tired to even bother asking God my why questions.
I had promised to go out for coffee with a young friend that evening, and as the hour approached, I kept thinking I should cancel.
She needed someone to encourage her, I felt sure. I was equally convinced that my sleepless night & spent emotions had my mind completely empty of anything to offer.
But God kept nudging me to keep the agreement… so I did.
We talked for quite awhile. Somehow, after I made up my mind to be the best empty mentor possible, God took over.
Remarkably, I found things to give. Most of what I spoke was from recent experience… lessons I didn’t yet realize I had learned.
Some of the things I heard coming from my mouth were lessons I see myself learning through this. Still painful truths, and I’m sharing them as wisdom to encourage someone else?!
Maybe God knew I needed that evening as much as my friend. By listening to another’s struggles, I was moved to compassion and asked God to help me find anything I could possibly share as encouragement.
He chose to reveal truths from my most recent experience – she had no idea how recently I’d come face to face with most of the lessons I shared. That some of them settled into clarity for the first time, talking with her.
Inwardly, I rebel. Why am I asked to be a servant? What does life ever give back to me?
But… I’m not entitled to payouts from this life. I’m working for a greater Kingdom.
God used my pain to bless someone else. I’m still drained, but I have found a thread of worthwhile-ness in the story.
I knew in my heart all along that I’d redo it all. I’d go through every step of it again, for the joys, the richness, the personal growth my faith has been challenged to.
But the tears… where can the blessing be in those? I don’t cry easily.
I’m not comfortable crying except in privacy, yet others’ tears never intimidate me.
Sometimes, we need to break. We need to be completely broken – to exhausted to hold ourselves together.
I’m getting accustomed to the cracks in my heart – I think I will eventually learn to appreciate them.
For now, my own heartache runs through them. But they are new avenues for compassion.
I can empathize more deeply with those going through deep waters, only because God is keeping me afloat on my own wild ocean.
There are reasons interwoven in the story.
There will be manifold good appearing in place of these ruins, I am confident.
God allowed Job to be taken to an extremely low point… but read the last chapter of his story. Job ended up much better off than where he began!
With God’s help & by His grace alone, I can maintain my hold on my Rock.
So that some sweet day, some sweet how, I will rise up from this. See the beauty in it. There will be blessings for those around me, and heavenly blessings for myself… all if I allow God to use my brokenness to become avenues for giving.
“Strengthen me to serve, Lord, in joy or in grief. For it is in true servanthood that I am able to find passion and purpose for living. Thank You for writing good into every line of my story, and grant me the eyes of faith to see it revealed to my heart. Amen.”
I’ve owned it for years… a little cross with the words from Nehemiah 8:10 etched on them.
“The joy of the Lord is your strength.”
Eight simple words. A little decorative cross that sat on my dresser for years and resides on a shelf in my classroom now.
But today, those words hold new significance as my heart absorbs them fully…
I can be strong in all circumstances, because I can lean on my Lord. And He is the cause of true joy.
I was born into a blessed situation. All the earthly blessings anyone could desire are mine.
I was raised in the church and gave my life to Christ in my teens, but the affluency I was accustomed to has shaped the way I look at life… until now.
When my dreams and desires don’t work out, it hurts.
People let me down, and my heart breaks with the injustice of it all.
It feels like there’s nothing good in this world, and I start questioning a lot of things.
It’s the most intense circumstances of our lives that shape who we are..
I recall my highschool teacher’s voice explaining that our paradigm is the lens through which we view life, and that our paradigms can shift with life experiences.
The pain of disappointment is enhanced because my paradigm has been wrong. I have held expectations of people and this world in general, that were not accurate.
Many times I’ve been told by well-meaning encouragers, “Life will get better. Good things will come.”
True… it won’t always hurt like this. But reality is, we live in a fallen world.
The people who have hurt me… are human. Why would I expect them not to fail? I fail. We are all just doing the best we know.
The blessings I long for, I am not actually entitled to.
God’s word tells us there is a reward promised for being faithful. I believe that fully. But the idea of life holding roses… yes, sometimes. But that is not actually promised.
God does delight in blessing His people, but reality is that evil exists in this world. And has the power to hurt us.
He could overthrow that, but sometimes chooses not to. He does promise to always be with us, and not even the most evil force can separate us from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)
A day is coming when God will win the war and be in full power forever – the victory is promised! He is waiting though, so we each have the opportunity to choose which kingdom we will be a part of.
It’s so clear now. I am not promised anything in life but Christ, and no reward on earth. But if I hold out faithful, I will be rewarded with eternal life where nothing can ever harm or hurt me again.
My paradigm has shifted, not without grief… but it will be healing.
“Whom have I in heaven but Thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside Thee.” Psalm 73:25
The thought of Christ’s triumphant victory… contrasted with the desparate brokenness of this world… brings joy.
No matter what life holds, it is never hopeless. There is always hope – the only hope we’re promised, and a certain hope that Satan can never defeat.
Christ in me… the hope of Glory.
My heart is whispering a song again… “In Christ Alone, my hope is found, He is my Light, my Strength, my Song…”
Paradigm shifts are painful. But they are character building, if I allow the winds to blow me closer to my Shelter, God Almighty.
Notes from My Heartsong 