Tag: Strength

Embracing Brokenness

Published on by Jackie1 Comment

Sitting cross legged on a dirty floor with a hysterical child in my arms, my thoughts had time to wander as I rocked rhythmically back and forth.

I never imagined that this is how I would find wholeness – that this is where I would feel joy again.

I always thought it was the strong people, those with vibrant life and love beating in their hearts who are used to minister to the broken ones.

Who knew that a broken heart is capable of loving more deeply, more protectively, more compassionately?

Is this what God meant by working all things together for good?

Is it possible that my own brokenness could be healed through binding up others’ wounds?

The little girl sobbing in my arms, screaming herself to exhaustion, pauses to check if I’m angry with her yet. I’m not. She examines my calm face, bewildered, then resumes the tantrum, with slightly less force…

There are tears in my eyes, too. She doesn’t know that I understand the anger, the frustration she feels for all that has been taken away. And that that’s why I just hold her, and keep rocking, and don’t condemn her for expressing her pain.

It’s valid. I won’t ask her to be okay with everything she’s lost and all that’s happened to her, because it’s not okay.

Instead I whisper soothing words to her, words of affirmation, of love, of reassurance, and not a word of the judgement or anger she is constantly expecting to hear.

She doesn’t trust me yet, but I’m fine with that. I don’t expect her to.

God knows I don’t always trust that life, or people, or things can be good, either, and He’s been patient with me through many spiritual tantrums.

So by His grace I’ll be patient with her… and keep working to earn her trust.

After a long time, she finally relaxes and leans against me. Her angry sobs settle into heartbroken weeping as she tells me about the things that have been cruelly taken from her.

She leans her head on my chest where my aching heart beats inside, and there’s a rich kind of joy in place of the emptiness, because as I cradle this brokenness close, I realize I feel perfectly complete.

So many people only see the angry outbursts – but they’re not foreign to me. I hear the crying, wounded heart inside, and I get how the deep pain becomes anger that life has hurt so much, and if all that emotion has nowhere to go, these tantrums will be the result.

Anger at pain, as an emotion, isn’t wrong. It’s what we do with it. For this precious girl, she sometimes needs a safe place to cry, to just let it out…

For myself, ministering to her wounds is the best way to pour out my own emotions and mend my own broken places.

I never really understood how healing could come through giving. But it’s a concept meant to be lived, not taught, for true understanding to come.

No amount of self care can ever heal a heart the way caring for others will.

Maybe, instead of fighting our pain to mend the brokenness, we will be healed by embracing it, holding it close, weeping together, and mending each other through it all.

Maybe the little bit of love we have to offer shines brighter if we give it to those in the darkest places…

Lead Me to the Rock

Published on by Jackie5 Comments

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2

This verse holds so much meaning that I never noticed until recently, and it’s packed into those two words lead me.

I’ve read this verse at various times in life when my heart was struggling, and I’ve always known and believed that the place to turn then is to God, my Rock.

But what about those times when my heart is truly overwhelmed?

Life holds disappointments, tragedies, heartbreaks… dear hearts, you can probably fill in the blank with your own pain. We’ve all had something to endure.

Then while we’re still fighting not to go under the waves, another, greater blow comes. Something that cuts us to our very core, and suddenly our exhausted store of strength can’t keep on.

It’s in those times that we learn the meaning of overwhelmed to its full definition, and no, that knowledge isn’t pleasant to gain.

But in that place of being overwhelmed – that’s where I found myself wondering for the first time if I had the strength to go to the Rock. Or if I even wanted to.

For those of you who have been in this place, you know. You know that it can be really tough, wrestling with doubt and asking questions in your heart that you know “no good Christian should ever ask.”

It’s especially tough when you don’t tell anyone, because you’re afraid of being judged. You feel guilty and ashamed for asking things like,

“How could a loving God…?“

“What’s the point of praying, if He doesn’t intervene?“

“Is God not the type of God I thought He is?”

“Why doesn’t God show up in my story?”

“How can God say this is for my good?”

There are so many more questions people may have, I’m sure.

But no matter what we’re going through, when our hearts are overwhelmed, we get shaken. We doubt things we never dreamed of questioning.

That’s why I’m so grateful to God for showing up in Christian family, friends, and mentors, to speak truth to my doubting heart in those times, and lead me to the Rock.

You see, Psalm 61:2 doesn’t read, “When my heart is overwhelmed, I will go to the Rock that is higher than I.”

It doesn’t say, “then I turn to the Rock that is higher than I.”

The Psalmist wrote, “lead me to the Rock.”

This isn’t an action that the one who is overwhelmed will take, this is a request, a plea for support! Because an overwhelmed heart needs the Rock most desparately of all, yet doesn’t have the strength or maybe not even the will to pursue it.

So when I’m struggling to reconcile what I know is truth, with the brokenness I see in this world, it’s okay. It’s okay to be tired after fighting through a long hard season, and it’s okay to let others lead me to my Rock.

The key is going to God and staying close to Him, it doesn’t matter as much whether we go there on our own or leaning on others. What’s crucial is that we’re willing to go to the Rock.

If you’re ever in an overwhelming place, I sincerely hope you have the courage to ask those around you to stand up when you’re down. Some people are judgemental of struggling doubters, and I pray you’ll have wisdom to discern them from those who truly have a heart full of Jesus’ compassion. These are the people who, like Jesus, will be gentle and loving. Let them lead you to the Rock, and speak the truth to your doubting heart until you again can say with firm conviction,

“My Rock IS higher than I!”

I pray you’ll have those people in your life. I pray you’ll have the courage to ask them, and the humility to be led to the Rock. I pray that I may become a person to lead others to the Rock in their seasons of doubt. I especially pray in gratitude and ask a special blessing on those who have stepped in to lead me.

May our Rock sustain us, and may He prove His truth, goodness, and sovereignty to all of us who cry, “lead me to the Rock!”

Before Morning Comes

Published on by JackieLeave a comment

If you’ve ever spent the wee hours in wakefulness, this one is for you.

Yes, you, the one tossing and turning, wishing to sleep, or wishing for the night to be over, longing for morning to come and end this fight for rest…

Join me. I’m awake, too. And so is God.

Typically, I’m blessed with the gift of sleep… but I have had enough times where I’m unable to sleep that I definitely cherish a good night’s rest as a gift.

I’m on a personal journey right now of learning to look for the good in each moment God allows in my life. His will for us is His gift to us, and I am determined to discover the hidden blessing even in the challenges. However, nights of waking up at 1 or 2 am throw a decent curveball into that ambition…

Exciting as it was to stay up late at sleepovers when we were kids, we all know that unwanted wakefulness through the wee hours is no fun.

When your mind is exhausted, the sun is long gone from view, and you stare into the darkness, longing for morning… any problems you have become larger, and you might even start to imagine problems you don’t have.

This is real.

Satan loves to tempt us when we’re alone and exhausted.

Do you dread those night hours? Do you fear the battle, when the hours slip by painstakingly slow, and you can do nothing but endure?

While you’re waiting for the morning to come, rest in these truths.

You are never alone. God never sleeps and He is with you.

Morning will come. It seems to take forever, but every moment, it is closer.

Sleeplessness is a gift.

Wait. What?! Yes, dear friend, you read that correctly. It doesn’t feel like a gift, especially not at 5 am when you’re blogging to pass the time, wondering how to survive the next day that is now alarmingly close…

But God has been faithful to open my eyes since I asked Him to show me the good in all things.

God of the day is very much Present in the long, lonely nights. If you can gather the strength, get up and find a window. Gaze at the stars, and God will feel closer. Experience His greatness.

This has often been my way of getting life back into perspective, but the other night, I couldn’t see the stars when I looked for them. They were hidden completely by clouds… feeling discouraged, “God, why clouds tonight? I needed to see the stars!”

Well, He didn’t change the view in the sky… but I was suddenly impressed by the fact that when those clouds blow away, the stars will still be there. That even in the moments I can’t see them, they are each in their divinely appointed place.

And God whispered to me, that even when clouds of disappointment hide the good in my story, it is there. As He planned it. And when the clouds disappear, I will see it.

That night, I learned more by not seeing the stars than if I had seen them. But I was glad to be comforted by their beauty again tonight.

I used to fear being awake in the night, because of all the ways the enemy tries to get me down.

But realizing that God is also present in the night, always close to me and with me, helps immensely.

So, these hours must have some good use, or God wouldn’t ask me to live through them. No moment in our stories is intended to be wasted time, so what good purpose does God want me to accomplish at 4 am? Well, I have lots of time to think about it, and He did reveal a few good things to me.

When I’m utterly tired, my heart is more open. More ready to listen to Him, too exhausted to hold on to any stubbornness. I’m finding that the Bible speaks to me in deeper, more personal ways in the wee hours than when I am awake, choosing how to apply it.

Prayer is also a closer communion than in the day, because between 12 and 5, there’s just me and God. No schedule to rush off to. No distractions. Just the hours to pass while waiting for the gift of sleep… and meanwhile, enjoying the gift of closeness to God.

We do need physical rest to function, but God has promised to always provide what we need.

I’m learning that His definition of my needs doesn’t always match mine. I want 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and a clear mind…

He gives me 3 hours and then provides His strength to lean on. Somehow, I make it through the day. He always provides.

God’s ideal level for me to function at also looks different than mine sometimes. I have a life to live, a class to teach, a calendar full of events…

And sometimes, less sleep is what it takes to get me to slow down. To take a rest. Or worse, I’m forced to ask others for help. Admitting when I’m not able to manage everything… that takes great effort and humility.

It turns out, if I can wrestle down the “I’m perfectly fine” attitude and humble myself to accepting the help of others, people are generally more sympathetic than judgemental. God provides those people to be there, because He knows I will need them.

God provides what we need. Not always in the way we imagine, but He Who knows our needs best, can best provide for them.

So, dear friend… look to the skies.

Watch the stars, or if it’s cloudy, rest in the knowledge that they are there. Just as surely as God is with you even though you can’t see Him, and there’s good in this experience though it’s still veiled by clouds.

While you’re waiting for morning, enjoy the gift of communing with God. Your tiredness allows you to be weak enough to surrender to Him.

Less, “why, God? I thought…” And more “okay, God. Your way is best.”

God isn’t forgetting about you, awake in your bed while the world is asleep. He sees. He’s listening to your prayers, and He will speak to you if you listen.

Night can be a very precious time, if we just focus our eyes on God.

And my dear friend, hold on. The sun will rise.

Hints of Spring

Published on by JackieLeave a comment

Rosy cheeks, sparkling eyes, hyper children…

The air is charged with excitement.

Our slushy rink is forlornly melting due to… rain?

Rain. After one week and one day of skating, and only days after an incredible cold snap.

Now winter seems to be fading…

And although it’s only February 7th, I have the first feeling of spring fever.

I can’t wait to shrug off my heavy coat and feel the warm wind through my hoodie.

To run through the sun warmed grass with the breeze teasing my hair.

Yesterday morning, I heard birds chirping when I got out of my car.

Their song was a hint of more springtime to come… the days when I’ll sleep with my window open and birdsongs will announce the dawn, gently rousing me from sleep.

Last week as I shivered in the -30C wind chill,spring seemed far away.

Now, there are hints of it. It’s not here yet, but winter will end some sweet day… and spring will come.

In my surrounding climate, and in the circumstances of my life … winter won’t last forever.

I can feel the warm promise of sunny days ahead, breaking through winter’s chill already. Like rays of hope.

And my heart is full of new courage. Because I know the day will come again when I can say with rejoicing,

“For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land…”

Song of Solomon 2:11, 12 KJV