Tag: Journey

Embracing Brokenness

Published on by Jackie1 Comment

Sitting cross legged on a dirty floor with a hysterical child in my arms, my thoughts had time to wander as I rocked rhythmically back and forth.

I never imagined that this is how I would find wholeness – that this is where I would feel joy again.

I always thought it was the strong people, those with vibrant life and love beating in their hearts who are used to minister to the broken ones.

Who knew that a broken heart is capable of loving more deeply, more protectively, more compassionately?

Is this what God meant by working all things together for good?

Is it possible that my own brokenness could be healed through binding up others’ wounds?

The little girl sobbing in my arms, screaming herself to exhaustion, pauses to check if I’m angry with her yet. I’m not. She examines my calm face, bewildered, then resumes the tantrum, with slightly less force…

There are tears in my eyes, too. She doesn’t know that I understand the anger, the frustration she feels for all that has been taken away. And that that’s why I just hold her, and keep rocking, and don’t condemn her for expressing her pain.

It’s valid. I won’t ask her to be okay with everything she’s lost and all that’s happened to her, because it’s not okay.

Instead I whisper soothing words to her, words of affirmation, of love, of reassurance, and not a word of the judgement or anger she is constantly expecting to hear.

She doesn’t trust me yet, but I’m fine with that. I don’t expect her to.

God knows I don’t always trust that life, or people, or things can be good, either, and He’s been patient with me through many spiritual tantrums.

So by His grace I’ll be patient with her… and keep working to earn her trust.

After a long time, she finally relaxes and leans against me. Her angry sobs settle into heartbroken weeping as she tells me about the things that have been cruelly taken from her.

She leans her head on my chest where my aching heart beats inside, and there’s a rich kind of joy in place of the emptiness, because as I cradle this brokenness close, I realize I feel perfectly complete.

So many people only see the angry outbursts – but they’re not foreign to me. I hear the crying, wounded heart inside, and I get how the deep pain becomes anger that life has hurt so much, and if all that emotion has nowhere to go, these tantrums will be the result.

Anger at pain, as an emotion, isn’t wrong. It’s what we do with it. For this precious girl, she sometimes needs a safe place to cry, to just let it out…

For myself, ministering to her wounds is the best way to pour out my own emotions and mend my own broken places.

I never really understood how healing could come through giving. But it’s a concept meant to be lived, not taught, for true understanding to come.

No amount of self care can ever heal a heart the way caring for others will.

Maybe, instead of fighting our pain to mend the brokenness, we will be healed by embracing it, holding it close, weeping together, and mending each other through it all.

Maybe the little bit of love we have to offer shines brighter if we give it to those in the darkest places…

Turning the Page

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First of all: It’s true that I get this restless feeling every summer, when the teacher in me is dormant and my classroom is silent. I wonder why life feels stagnant and what God might be doing in my life next.

But this year, it’s different. I’m not feeling restless and empty…

God is filling my heart with something new. It’s exciting. It gives me a sense of purpose. (And I feel like I’m on the edge of a diving board, about to plunge into a future unknown…)

But sometimes, you just know. You sense that God is turning a page, writing a new chapter into your story.

I signed up as a volunteer to support families in crisis in my local city – originally for a summer job, and a way to keep my life centered around children during the months that I’m not teaching.

This past week, as I drove to an unfamiliar neighborhood to pick up a child, it hit me – this is the realization of a dream I’ve carried for years. Not in the exact form I pictured through my teens, but it’s definitely the beginning of living out what my heart has wanted to do for so long.

Yes, teaching school is a huge part of my life, and something I’m extremely passionate about. But in the years I’ve taught, the desire has been growing in my heart to specifically work with underprivileged children. To mentor them, love them, and teach them about Jesus.

I’m so grateful for the opportunity of teaching at a Christian school, where I can relax when I dismiss my students because I know that they’re going home to loving, godly parents.

For the last four years, that has been my sole passion and purpose, and I’ve found it incredibly fulfilling to work alongside Christian parents in loving and guiding their precious children.

But now, God has opened a door in my life to care for children who don’t have the abundant blessings that my students do.

These children crave love and security from me far more than my students do, because their lives don’t have the stability that my students’ lives have.

It’s new territory, but it’s exciting to this heart that has held this dream dormant so long, but never lost the passion for it…

It’s time to turn a page in my story, to move forward in faith, and step out into the next chapter of lif

God’s timing amazes me. I spent years wondering when, and how, and if I’ll ever find the right opportunity… and if God even wanted me to fill that kind of role, if so much time was going by…

But He knew I needed the experiences I’ve had to prepare me. To strip me of self, of false expectations of God, of prejudices in my heart… and to equip me to more accurately represent Jesus’ love to the lives I touch. (This is a lifelong challenge, to become stripped of self and equipped for service! Definitely not complete yet!)

God also knew I needed more time focused solely on teaching before I could take on another responsibility. He knew that when teaching has become a comfortable routine, like my morning coffee, I’d have more mental space for other things.

So, here I am. Stepping into a new, unknown chapter of life, on the brink of a dream that could lead to so much more…

Ready to give my life to investing in children who might not otherwise have a chance, as my role of service to my King.

Only God knows how much of my time will be spent doing this, or how long this chapter will last. Only He knows at this point where I’ll go from here.

But step by step He’s led me to this place, where the dream I carried along the way has finally become a call to answer.

And I know that whatever He leads me through from here, every winding path is somehow preparing me for the place He’ll lead me to next.

Lead Me to the Rock

Published on by Jackie5 Comments

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2

This verse holds so much meaning that I never noticed until recently, and it’s packed into those two words lead me.

I’ve read this verse at various times in life when my heart was struggling, and I’ve always known and believed that the place to turn then is to God, my Rock.

But what about those times when my heart is truly overwhelmed?

Life holds disappointments, tragedies, heartbreaks… dear hearts, you can probably fill in the blank with your own pain. We’ve all had something to endure.

Then while we’re still fighting not to go under the waves, another, greater blow comes. Something that cuts us to our very core, and suddenly our exhausted store of strength can’t keep on.

It’s in those times that we learn the meaning of overwhelmed to its full definition, and no, that knowledge isn’t pleasant to gain.

But in that place of being overwhelmed – that’s where I found myself wondering for the first time if I had the strength to go to the Rock. Or if I even wanted to.

For those of you who have been in this place, you know. You know that it can be really tough, wrestling with doubt and asking questions in your heart that you know “no good Christian should ever ask.”

It’s especially tough when you don’t tell anyone, because you’re afraid of being judged. You feel guilty and ashamed for asking things like,

“How could a loving God…?“

“What’s the point of praying, if He doesn’t intervene?“

“Is God not the type of God I thought He is?”

“Why doesn’t God show up in my story?”

“How can God say this is for my good?”

There are so many more questions people may have, I’m sure.

But no matter what we’re going through, when our hearts are overwhelmed, we get shaken. We doubt things we never dreamed of questioning.

That’s why I’m so grateful to God for showing up in Christian family, friends, and mentors, to speak truth to my doubting heart in those times, and lead me to the Rock.

You see, Psalm 61:2 doesn’t read, “When my heart is overwhelmed, I will go to the Rock that is higher than I.”

It doesn’t say, “then I turn to the Rock that is higher than I.”

The Psalmist wrote, “lead me to the Rock.”

This isn’t an action that the one who is overwhelmed will take, this is a request, a plea for support! Because an overwhelmed heart needs the Rock most desparately of all, yet doesn’t have the strength or maybe not even the will to pursue it.

So when I’m struggling to reconcile what I know is truth, with the brokenness I see in this world, it’s okay. It’s okay to be tired after fighting through a long hard season, and it’s okay to let others lead me to my Rock.

The key is going to God and staying close to Him, it doesn’t matter as much whether we go there on our own or leaning on others. What’s crucial is that we’re willing to go to the Rock.

If you’re ever in an overwhelming place, I sincerely hope you have the courage to ask those around you to stand up when you’re down. Some people are judgemental of struggling doubters, and I pray you’ll have wisdom to discern them from those who truly have a heart full of Jesus’ compassion. These are the people who, like Jesus, will be gentle and loving. Let them lead you to the Rock, and speak the truth to your doubting heart until you again can say with firm conviction,

“My Rock IS higher than I!”

I pray you’ll have those people in your life. I pray you’ll have the courage to ask them, and the humility to be led to the Rock. I pray that I may become a person to lead others to the Rock in their seasons of doubt. I especially pray in gratitude and ask a special blessing on those who have stepped in to lead me.

May our Rock sustain us, and may He prove His truth, goodness, and sovereignty to all of us who cry, “lead me to the Rock!”

Answered Prayers

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In the last year of my life, there have been so many questions. So many prayers. So many heartcries…

And now, it’s becoming clear that even where I could not see them, there have been So. Many. Answers.

Sometimes, God answers prayer in a far greater way than I ever imagined when I made the request.

A deeper way… a way that feels like He hasn’t heard… like He’s forgotten me, while in reality…

He is working all things together for the greater good.

Because every piece of the story, though they appear so random to me, is connected in the big picture that only God can see. He is weaving each individual thread into one masterpiece.

Lately, that has been made so clear as I examine the the why of suffering.

What if… there’s a purpose for all of it?

What if… this is part of the journey to a beautiful place?

Instead of asking, “Why?” in a tone of anguished defeat, I’m beginning to see all the possibilities in this and ask, “What if?”

And that question is loaded with great potentials, which still create more questions than answers…

But I’m content to rest in the idea that for now, that may be my answer.

To keep asking about the possible good outcomes this could create. To keep seeking them.

Through the challenges I’ve been faced with, I’ve wrestled with questions I never would have thought of asking before.

And the answers to those questions are only found in searching to know more of Who God is.

Now, in the heat of the battle, wrestling, searching, longing, seeking… I am becoming grateful for the gift of this journey.

Because my place in this broken world has been shaken, I’ve gotten homesick for my home… Heaven.

A desire for perfection was written into our hearts when we were born in Eden, but we all know this world is far removed from its original state. That’s why disappointments hurt… our instincts tell us it wasn’t meant to be this way.

But in the everyday moments, when life flows along smoothly, we forget who we are, why we’re here, and where we’re going. We can become quite focused on our earthly lives, and really would be fine with staying quite awhile.

That perspective changes quickly, though, when life holds disappointment.

When we are faced with pain, we remember the reality that we don’t belong here. We belong with Jesus, in Heaven.

And since we can’t go there yet, we seek to walk more closely with Him here… because He has made Himself available to share our lives if we will invite Him in.

Walking intimately with Jesus is like a prelude to Heaven, a security in an uncertain world.

It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.

And I wouldn’t have this experience if pain hadn’t made me long for Heaven… and therefore seek Jesus more than before…

I used to wonder why I was created with a deep compassion for those who are suffering, if my life has been so blessed.

I’ve felt the deep desire to walk alongside those who are struggling under the extreme challenges their lives hold… yet I’ve also wrestled with knowing that I haven’t experienced much pain in life. Because of that, anyone who has would be fully accurate if they would accuse me of not having the ability to understand.

For many years, I believed by faith that God is good, but my life circumstances had not seriously challenged that belief.

And now that I’ve personally had to wrestle with that question, I still believe that God is good. More than ever.

But when I say that… it’s so much deeper. Filled with new meaning. Because I have had to search out His goodness in the hard and holy places… and this, I’ve learned, is the sacredness of suffering.

To seek God and discover His goodness in the most unlikely places, and open a whole new journey into the depths of experiencing His greatness.

Now, with the new perspectives I’m given the opportunity to learn, maybe I will become more.

I knew I was lacking, and I wanted to be used for God’s service, but I couldn’t have chosen a way to effectively equip myself.

I wanted a closer experience of knowing Jesus… a greater thirst to understand God’s ways… a deeper journey into His heart.

And although I never would have chosen the methods I see God using to work in my life, I am slowly understanding how suffering can be a gift… because nothing else could cultivate these things in me the way suffering does.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

Blessings, by Laura Story

What if these tears are to teach me the empathy I knew I was missing before?

What if instead of an ending, this is the beginning of an awesome journey I never could have imagined taking?

What if through loss, life could become filled with so much more?

*photography and design by Jackie, author of this blog. Lyrics on photos are excerpts from “Blessings” by Laura Story.

Reformation

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Repair. Rebuild. These words are familiar to me. They’re comforting words – they speak of restoration. A returning to what was, making whole and strong again.

But lately another concept has filled my mind.

Reformation.

Reform… to literally be formed again.

I’ve been broken before. It hurts. My plans get a few cracks, my heart ends up a little bruised, but Jesus repairs. He mends the broken places and life goes on. There might be a few battle scars, but overall, I am still me. Life is still familiar. And I realize, the pain was worth it. After I’m repaired, I see that it is Good.

Sometimes, an event has left me shattered. The pain goes deep. My heart isn’t only bruised, it’s in pieces. My plans break apart. They aren’t only cracked, they’re no longer in one piece.

But Jesus, the Carpenter from Nazareth, loves to rebuild. He takes all the pieces and fits them back together. It might not look quite like the original, but it is beautiful. After He rebuilds my life, I see that everything worked out for Good.

But what if I’m totally crushed? What if I’m way beyond cracked and bruised? More than shattered – because the pieces of me, my plans, and my life aren’t even recognizable? No hint of the original remains.

What then?

You can’t glue something back together if you don’t even have pieces to work with. If they’re crushed into fine powder, what then?

Thankfully, God isn’t limited to repairing or rebuilding things. He isn’t only a Carpenter, He is a Potter.

He wants to re-form me.

Dust and water are necessary to make clay…

Clay can be molded into beautiful, brand new vessels – completely different than the original.

There may be slight similarities, sure. Still made of clay. Still a vessel to be filled with any given substance. But, new.

Crushed lives, dreams, and identities may appear hopeless. But they are filled with vitality when saturated with the living water of God’s love!

God isn’t finished with me, with my life. His purpose for me is ever unfolding, and the same is true for you who reads this.

I don’t like being crushed. I’m afraid of the waves of pain that break over my head at times and almost push me under.

But… I do kind of like the idea of being reformed.

What’s God going to make my life into? How will He shape me through this?

If this crushing is necessary to produce the dust God needs to work with, I’ll relax into the ride. Let the waves toss me… let the Master Potter breathe life into me and shape me in His skillful hands…

And someday I’ll look back and realize, He has made me gloriously NEW!

I will have the same key features of course. Human. A vessel to be filled with Jesus. But oh, I hope I’m able to carry more of His love for others. I hope I will be formed in a way that reveals more of Him and less of me.

Am I enjoying this place in life? Not. At. All.

But there shines a brilliant light of hope in the darkness when I think about being drastically reformed.

Not only a minor repair job. Not being rebuilt into a similar structure. Complete reformation promises an exciting surprise of, “what will it be?!”

God has repaired me, and hurt has become good.

God has rebuilt me, and pain has been replaced with joy.

But now, God is reforming me, and dust will become alive! Just as He made it to be so in Genesis… and promises in Revelation… from cover to cover in the Bible, God delights in creating newness from humble beginnings.

I have faith that I’m not permanently going to be crushed.

I am in the hands of God, the Giver of new life… and I am in the process of being Re-Formed.

The intensity of the current pain gives me hope… that the new creation of God’s design for my life will be extraordinarily beautiful.

Behold, I am making all things NEW!

– God, Revelation 21:5 ESV –