Tag: Hope

Sifting

Published on by Jackie1 Comment

I’m feeling totally relaxed at the end of a blissfully calm day…

I spent a cozy Sunday at home, with a fuzzy blanket, coffee, a nice soak in the tub (yes, with lavendar scented bubbles…)

I didn’t read much… I didn’t write at all, until now…

I sat, and I thought… reflective thoughts, just whatever floated to the surface of my mind thoughts…

and I realized, I was sifting memories.

The car crash that totalled my Belinda car and caused the whiplash that kept me at home today may have been timed according to Divine will.

In fact, I’m convinced it was.

I needed this weekend to be still, to sift through things properly, and God knows my active personality won’t slow down unless forced 🙂

So, forced as I was, I had only my thoughts for company, and all the time to sift them well instead of just ignoring them.

I recently taught my students about the Klondike gold rush, and the method that prospectors used to pan for gold (scooping dirt into a special pan, pouring water through, rinsing out the dirt and stones and leaving only the gold).

I realized today, that that’s exactly how I need to treat memories.

Some memories are painful, or ugly, and it’s so easy to just dump them out. To refuse them a place in your story.

Other memories are beautiful. They’re priceless, and we focus on them.

But when both are woven together, how do we remember the beautiful times without letting the negative parts darken them? How do we avoid losing the beauty buried beneath the hurt-filled stories we throw out?

And the answer I came to… we sift.

Some chapters can only be sifted by letting tears flow over the memories. Somehow, in that process, the hurt is washed away… it slowly fades… and we can smile through the tears at the good that was present in those times.

They might be tremulous smiles, but more beautiful than those who’ve never known pain.

They are the smiles of a survivor. A fighter. Someone who dared to face their story in completeness, and sifted until they found something worth smiling about.

You know, good things can become lost when they get buried in layers of ugliness.

It’s tedious work to dig through it all and unearth the gold…

It would be so much easier to throw it all out and refuse to think about it.

In sifting parts of my life, I realized I’ve done that – I’ve remembered the bad and lost sight of the good.

How can I “grow through what I go through” if the miracles, the lessons, the blessings, and all the beauty in the journey is lost?

The times when God is most precious, most real, have been in my darkest hours. If I refuse those memories a place in my story, how will I keep the faith-building moments sprinkled throughout?

But if I can wash away the layers of hurt, confusion, anger, or whatever else you might have piled up… sift through them and bathe them in tears… and let them go:

Then all I’ll be holding is the gold.

And everything will be beautiful.

Only the good remains.

The Path of Progress

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“God opens doors… and He closes them.”

She gave me such a simple answer to the many complex things life holds – but so relevant, and so true.

“And when God closes doors… He also opens doors.”

I’ve thought on this mystery a lot, how endings are not the end, but rather, they are a vital crux to beginning… the rest of your whole, yet-to-be discovered, life!

I’ve gotten to experience so many new things, because of doors that have been closed.

Much of what I value today I wouldn’t have in my life if I hadn’t gathered it along this winding way… a way that keeps leading me into new places, because I’ve first exited others.

There are people I love today who I met only because I walked through unlikely or even unwanted places. The open door to meeting them was caused by other doors closing.

I carry beautiful memories of chapters that were only meant to last for a season, but forever remain part of my story. Just because doors close doesn’t mean we pretend we weren’t ever in those places.

Who I am, in my very heart of hearts, is not the same person as I was a year ago, still more changed from the me of 2 years ago, and quite different from the version that existed 5 years ago!

And I’m learning to lean into this constant change – not to resist it, but to rest in it, because after the fact, I do always like the improvements God has made to who I am.

I know that 5 years from now, I’ll probably see the areas I was lacking in today. Things I think I’m doing well today, I’ll be thankful I have learned to do so much better. (Just a hunch, going by my opinion of my first year of teaching… I knew I was inexperienced, yes, but now I see much more clearly how much of a novice I really was!)

But that’s ok with me – I’m comfortable with finding delight in my progress up to this point, even though I know I’m a work that’s not yet reached completion.

As I navigate all the checkpoints on my path of progress through life, I don’t look back and call former places worthless just because I’m not there anymore.

No, every closed door symbolizes a valuable part of a journey!

… sometimes, it’s vital to walk through the death – an ending – of a chapter so that a resurrection – new life – can be added to the story.

But endings aren’t always erasers. We let go, we move forward, we live today – but endings are not like a death in that we need to bury that chapter.

We get to choose what we hold on to – no present-day circumstance can erase the things that once made us smile.

We can also choose to let go of memories that keep us trapped in pain – because a closed door is an invitation, giving us freedom to move on. (It doesn’t always feel as good as that sounds, but it is truth!)

As I move forward in life, it’s my personal goal to always carry only the good with me, but leave the things that weigh me down.

When new doors open, we can’t step through them if we’re holding on to baggage from yesterday too tightly… but we can always retain the beauty it gave us, and our lives become continually richer and fuller if we travel this way.

“When God closes doors, He opens doors, and when the doors open, He will lead you through them.”

God never takes away without also giving abundantly, if we turn to Him for healing and restoration.

Psalm 90:15 says, “Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery.” (NLT)

What an exciting concept to lean on! When we feel the pain of closed doors, we can look forward to an equal proportion of joy at the opening of another door!

“Tell your heart to beat again, close your eyes and breathe it in… Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace. Yesterday’s a closing door, you don’t live there anymore… say goodbye to where you’ve been, and tell your heart to beat again!” ~Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, Danny Gokey

Why Did I Come Here?

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From the moment she looked me in the eyes and asked, ‘How are things going?” I knew we’d connect.

We had never met before, but known of each other for years. Our moms are distantly friends… I hung out with her sister for a weekend in New York back in my teens… and now here we met, our of the blue, at a teachers conference hours away from both our homes.

It’s nice to know why I came.

After all, driving 5 hours by myself to a destination where I knew nobody, I had plenty of time to question whatever inspired me to do this.

I mean, I knew all along it wasn’t about the conference. I heard this speaker just a year ago, presenting the same topic, with an identical slideshow and handouts.

It was a thinly veiled excuse for a solo road trip, to embrace a love of solitude again – something I’ve avoided for too long.

Being alone doesn’t have to be a negative thing, and I know that, but sometimes we need to conquer our fears in an exciting way.

So, I planned this trip as a way to intentionally create solitude – not being lonely, but having time alone with God.

So often, when I’m alone is when hard things get harder. Problems seem greater, and tears flow freer because it feels like I’m alone in my pain.

To avoid those feelings, for too long I tended to avoid being alone.

But I knew it’s time to reshape my view of that, and I’m so grateful God provided this teachers conference as a reason for this trip – not only did He give me the opportunity, He gave me a valid explanation.

No one expects to hear “I’m driving 5 hours to practice enjoying solitude.” But attending a conference? That sounds sensible. And I do love bits of sensibility in a chaotic world!

But as I got closer to my destination, I realized I had a slight flaw in my weekend.

The solitude was going great, I was embracing my independence, and loving the fact that only God knew exactly where on the globe I was at any given moment.

But I had this slight problem of a conference to attend, where I knew no one, and the content was all familiar to me.

I did ask God why He prompted me so clearly that I had to be at this conference, if it had no purpose in the trip other than an explanation. That’s an expensive ticket to pay for a simple explanation, you know.

But God has a plan in all things, as I am continually learning. And the first session hadn’t been over long when I met the reason I had come.

Isn’t it amazing how God places people in the right location at the right time, having prepared their hearts in advance to connect?

We were strangers yesterday – tonight we had a sleepover (yes, my hotel room had an extra bed for some reason, and God knew it would be needed!) We connected, heart to heart, and it was worth every hour of lost sleep.

My life has been a desert, thirsty for this type of friend, and God brought me here to water that need.

Even if we don’t meet up again for awhile, I will always value the miraculous way God arranged our meeting.

When He wants people in my life, He will place me where I need to be to find them.

And if I needed to be five hours away from home for that message to be clear to me, all I can say is – it was certainly worth the drive.

The opportunity to be a tourist in a quaint, sleepy town, and visit cute cafes, is such a rejuvenating gift🤍

Riding Today’s Wave

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Ah, relaxation.

Late afternoon sunlight streams in the large windows of the community center lounge, a neat stack of graded Bible quizzes lies on the table in front of me, and I still have 20 minutes to just sit here.

Scrolling on my phone, I came across this quote someone posted:

“Healing comes in waves. Today the wave might hit the rocks, but you’re still healing.”

A smile played on my lips as the words washed over my heart – that quote is the best description I’ve heard for those days when all the progress I’ve made seems shattered.

But I feel this precious joy swelling in my chest, because today, that wave is flowing smoothly back out.

Away from the painful crashing into the rocks, into a vast expanse of possibilities.

I never imagined, one year ago, where I’d be today or all that I’d walk through to get here.

I also don’t know where I’ll be in one short year from now, but I’m so grateful to be able to say, I’m excited about the future.

I’m ready… to step forward.

I don’t know which of the opportunities ahead of me I’ll actually pursue, but it’s thrilling to see God’s hand working in my life, healing my heart, and filling me with the capacity to dream again.

The sunlight is fading lower in the sky, but I feel a new day dawning in my life as I enjoy the ride of today’s wave, away from the confining shallows along the shore.

It’s time to travel farther out to sea… deeper into this adventure called life, sailing with greater abandon toward everything God has for me.

It’s a divine risk, giving my life completely into the hands of One Who can lead me in paths beyond my wildest imagination, but I know that His way always includes enough of His strength, grace, and courage for every part of the journey.

So I choose, once again, to say, “Jesus, I trust You. Please, lead me forward in the fullness of Your abundant living.”

Today’s wave rides toward potential joy; tomorrow the ride might carry me back in to be broken on the rocks again. I’m slowly understanding that we must be broken repeatedly so that Jesus within us can continue to pour out of our cracked and bleeding vessels…

But through it all, I know each of these waves are part of the process Jesus is taking me through, and none of it goes unnoticed by Him.

Right now, this moment, Miss Ginger Curls is nearly finished her class and will be demanding me to make good on the promised trip to the park.

My arms are still tired from her fight-mode reaction earlier and the drama of getting into the elevator (with four compassionate but amused onlookers, yes) but my heart loves her more than ever.

How is it that this unlikely rule is manifesting in so many areas of my life… that the bad times ignite multiplied goodness?

Only God Alone can work in this incredible way!

Likewise, even though my heart is bruised anew each time I’m washed up on the rocks, I ride the waves with increased confidence and joy… because I know they ultimately lead in the direction I want to go.

“Healing comes in waves…” and progress is made not by fighting them, but by surrendering to their direction of flow and riding each one to its fullest extent.

So no matter what tries to drag me down, I know one thing for certain: I can always press onward and upward if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

That’s all that’s required of me every moment, simply to focus on Him and let everything else fade…

“Father God, just for today… Help me to walk Your narrow way. Help me stand when I might fall, give me the strength to do Your call… May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise, may my words bring honour to Your Name…”

and here comes my favourite feisty bundle of fragile brokenness. Time to stop writing and pour my joy over into her little life!

Embracing Brokenness

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Sitting cross legged on a dirty floor with a hysterical child in my arms, my thoughts had time to wander as I rocked rhythmically back and forth.

I never imagined that this is how I would find wholeness – that this is where I would feel joy again.

I always thought it was the strong people, those with vibrant life and love beating in their hearts who are used to minister to the broken ones.

Who knew that a broken heart is capable of loving more deeply, more protectively, more compassionately?

Is this what God meant by working all things together for good?

Is it possible that my own brokenness could be healed through binding up others’ wounds?

The little girl sobbing in my arms, screaming herself to exhaustion, pauses to check if I’m angry with her yet. I’m not. She examines my calm face, bewildered, then resumes the tantrum, with slightly less force…

There are tears in my eyes, too. She doesn’t know that I understand the anger, the frustration she feels for all that has been taken away. And that that’s why I just hold her, and keep rocking, and don’t condemn her for expressing her pain.

It’s valid. I won’t ask her to be okay with everything she’s lost and all that’s happened to her, because it’s not okay.

Instead I whisper soothing words to her, words of affirmation, of love, of reassurance, and not a word of the judgement or anger she is constantly expecting to hear.

She doesn’t trust me yet, but I’m fine with that. I don’t expect her to.

God knows I don’t always trust that life, or people, or things can be good, either, and He’s been patient with me through many spiritual tantrums.

So by His grace I’ll be patient with her… and keep working to earn her trust.

After a long time, she finally relaxes and leans against me. Her angry sobs settle into heartbroken weeping as she tells me about the things that have been cruelly taken from her.

She leans her head on my chest where my aching heart beats inside, and there’s a rich kind of joy in place of the emptiness, because as I cradle this brokenness close, I realize I feel perfectly complete.

So many people only see the angry outbursts – but they’re not foreign to me. I hear the crying, wounded heart inside, and I get how the deep pain becomes anger that life has hurt so much, and if all that emotion has nowhere to go, these tantrums will be the result.

Anger at pain, as an emotion, isn’t wrong. It’s what we do with it. For this precious girl, she sometimes needs a safe place to cry, to just let it out…

For myself, ministering to her wounds is the best way to pour out my own emotions and mend my own broken places.

I never really understood how healing could come through giving. But it’s a concept meant to be lived, not taught, for true understanding to come.

No amount of self care can ever heal a heart the way caring for others will.

Maybe, instead of fighting our pain to mend the brokenness, we will be healed by embracing it, holding it close, weeping together, and mending each other through it all.

Maybe the little bit of love we have to offer shines brighter if we give it to those in the darkest places…

Answered Prayers

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In the last year of my life, there have been so many questions. So many prayers. So many heartcries…

And now, it’s becoming clear that even where I could not see them, there have been So. Many. Answers.

Sometimes, God answers prayer in a far greater way than I ever imagined when I made the request.

A deeper way… a way that feels like He hasn’t heard… like He’s forgotten me, while in reality…

He is working all things together for the greater good.

Because every piece of the story, though they appear so random to me, is connected in the big picture that only God can see. He is weaving each individual thread into one masterpiece.

Lately, that has been made so clear as I examine the the why of suffering.

What if… there’s a purpose for all of it?

What if… this is part of the journey to a beautiful place?

Instead of asking, “Why?” in a tone of anguished defeat, I’m beginning to see all the possibilities in this and ask, “What if?”

And that question is loaded with great potentials, which still create more questions than answers…

But I’m content to rest in the idea that for now, that may be my answer.

To keep asking about the possible good outcomes this could create. To keep seeking them.

Through the challenges I’ve been faced with, I’ve wrestled with questions I never would have thought of asking before.

And the answers to those questions are only found in searching to know more of Who God is.

Now, in the heat of the battle, wrestling, searching, longing, seeking… I am becoming grateful for the gift of this journey.

Because my place in this broken world has been shaken, I’ve gotten homesick for my home… Heaven.

A desire for perfection was written into our hearts when we were born in Eden, but we all know this world is far removed from its original state. That’s why disappointments hurt… our instincts tell us it wasn’t meant to be this way.

But in the everyday moments, when life flows along smoothly, we forget who we are, why we’re here, and where we’re going. We can become quite focused on our earthly lives, and really would be fine with staying quite awhile.

That perspective changes quickly, though, when life holds disappointment.

When we are faced with pain, we remember the reality that we don’t belong here. We belong with Jesus, in Heaven.

And since we can’t go there yet, we seek to walk more closely with Him here… because He has made Himself available to share our lives if we will invite Him in.

Walking intimately with Jesus is like a prelude to Heaven, a security in an uncertain world.

It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.

And I wouldn’t have this experience if pain hadn’t made me long for Heaven… and therefore seek Jesus more than before…

I used to wonder why I was created with a deep compassion for those who are suffering, if my life has been so blessed.

I’ve felt the deep desire to walk alongside those who are struggling under the extreme challenges their lives hold… yet I’ve also wrestled with knowing that I haven’t experienced much pain in life. Because of that, anyone who has would be fully accurate if they would accuse me of not having the ability to understand.

For many years, I believed by faith that God is good, but my life circumstances had not seriously challenged that belief.

And now that I’ve personally had to wrestle with that question, I still believe that God is good. More than ever.

But when I say that… it’s so much deeper. Filled with new meaning. Because I have had to search out His goodness in the hard and holy places… and this, I’ve learned, is the sacredness of suffering.

To seek God and discover His goodness in the most unlikely places, and open a whole new journey into the depths of experiencing His greatness.

Now, with the new perspectives I’m given the opportunity to learn, maybe I will become more.

I knew I was lacking, and I wanted to be used for God’s service, but I couldn’t have chosen a way to effectively equip myself.

I wanted a closer experience of knowing Jesus… a greater thirst to understand God’s ways… a deeper journey into His heart.

And although I never would have chosen the methods I see God using to work in my life, I am slowly understanding how suffering can be a gift… because nothing else could cultivate these things in me the way suffering does.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

Blessings, by Laura Story

What if these tears are to teach me the empathy I knew I was missing before?

What if instead of an ending, this is the beginning of an awesome journey I never could have imagined taking?

What if through loss, life could become filled with so much more?

*photography and design by Jackie, author of this blog. Lyrics on photos are excerpts from “Blessings” by Laura Story.

For the Greater Good

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As I enter the garden this night, it appears peaceful and still. But within, a figure kneels on the ground in a desperate posture, shaking, groaning, fists clenched tightly… In the faint moonlight, I see His lips are moving. Straining to listen, I hear Him say, “If it be Thy will, let this cup pass from me… nevertheless not my will, but Thine be done.”

It’s a gutteral cry, from the depths of an anguished soul… yet beautifully surrendered. His friends lie sleeping nearby, seemingly unconcerned by His agony… there He kneels alone, on the brink of torture and death, but trusting His Father’s will in it all.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, 2023. About 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ was the One described in the scene above, praying in Gethsemane as His disciples slept.

The solitude was shattered when Judas reappeared with an angry mob of Jewish leaders. The infamous betrayer. The rejection must have hurt Christ deeply… but not only that of Judas. The disciples who weren’t able to stay awake with Him in prayer… the Jewish leaders who should have been most excited about the Messiah being in their midst… and then, the whole human race as the crowd shouted, “Crucify Him!”

Why, when the truth was so obvious, could those in leadership not see it? Ordinary people heard and believed that Christ was the Promised One. But those who had studied the prophecies about Him the most would not. They had expected a king who would fulfill their wishes. Jesus came as a servant, yet convicted them of their sins. They could not accept that their interpretation of the scriptures had been wrong, so they would not accept Him. In their attempt to keep their image intact, they rejected the Truth.

And Jesus, Truth Himself, was silent on trial before them. He did not defend Himself or fight. He allowed them to push their false view of Him – a blasphemer of God, when in fact, He WAS God’s own Son – until they killed Him.

Why? He knew Who He was. Why did He give up so easily?

But looking back farther still…

Angels announced His birth and the shepherds testified of all they saw and heard.

A twelve year old boy astonished the scribes with His knowledge.

A Man was baptized, and a Voice was heard. “This is My Beloved Son, in Whom I Am well pleased.”

Sermons were preached. Miracles were done. People were healed. The dead were raised.

The invitation was clear. “Come unto Me and I will give You rest.“

He declared His Identity publicly. “I and my Father are One.” “No man cometh unto the Father but by Me.”

He didn’t go to the grave without making a ripple. He thoroughly showed and stated the message of Truth first… until He didn’t only make ripples, He created turbulent waves. And the more clearly He presented the Truth, the more adamantly it was rejected. He knew when the time had come to be silent. He knew His words were being wasted on an audience who had already determined not to listen with open minds and hearts.

God also knew that a greater victory could be won by stepping back from the heated debates in the temple… the time had come to lay it down.

So although it all appears so wrong that Jesus died… so much like Satan’s will was in control… God’s hand was over it all. It was His will that Jesus stopped telling them His message. He was silent in Pilate’s hall, and didn’t protest as they nailed Him to the cross. He suffered the injustice… the shame… the rejection…

and by all appearances, the Truth died.

Death had won.

But what an amazing victory when the grave was empty on the third day!

God allowed Satan that brief taste of victory.

Only because God saw the greater good.

Satan’s attempt to defeat Jesus really backfired.

Jesus died, yes. And because of His death, through the blood of the Perfect Sacrifice, salvation was made freely accessible to all humanity through the simple & sacred avenue of prayer!

The resurrection power would not exist, had there not been a death prior.

And so it is in all of our life circumstances. This world holds evil. Satan attacks us. Causes us pain. But God is always in control! God Alone sees the full picture which contains the greater good in every situation.

God will never allow Satan to do anything that will not lead to our greater good.

Our loving, all wise Father has a resurrection planned to follow every death He allows.

This Easter, trust Him with everything that seems to be dead in your life. He will bring a resurrection if you remain in Him… the dark grave which your crushed dreams lie in today has potentional to be the womb which will birth greater things than you can imagine!

No, the exact things you desired might not be granted in this life. What emerges from a monarch chrysalis is completely different than the worm that went into it… but the butterfly is far more beautiful. On the other hand, the last chapter of Job tells of God restoring the things that were lost, in greater abundance.

Regardless of how it may look, there will be a resurrection for the death of your dreams. Hold on to faith in Jesus, and I know you will love His choice for you.

Because when you let Him walk with you through the pain, you will always emerge more beautiful. He pours Himself into the cracks of every broken heart that is yielded to His will. And some sweet day, by God’s grace…

you will reach perfection when you pass through your physical death and awake in a complete resurrection.

Never again to be harmed by evil. Death forever conquered…

And oh, what a Glorious Morning!

Hints of Spring

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Rosy cheeks, sparkling eyes, hyper children…

The air is charged with excitement.

Our slushy rink is forlornly melting due to… rain?

Rain. After one week and one day of skating, and only days after an incredible cold snap.

Now winter seems to be fading…

And although it’s only February 7th, I have the first feeling of spring fever.

I can’t wait to shrug off my heavy coat and feel the warm wind through my hoodie.

To run through the sun warmed grass with the breeze teasing my hair.

Yesterday morning, I heard birds chirping when I got out of my car.

Their song was a hint of more springtime to come… the days when I’ll sleep with my window open and birdsongs will announce the dawn, gently rousing me from sleep.

Last week as I shivered in the -30C wind chill,spring seemed far away.

Now, there are hints of it. It’s not here yet, but winter will end some sweet day… and spring will come.

In my surrounding climate, and in the circumstances of my life … winter won’t last forever.

I can feel the warm promise of sunny days ahead, breaking through winter’s chill already. Like rays of hope.

And my heart is full of new courage. Because I know the day will come again when I can say with rejoicing,

“For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land…”

Song of Solomon 2:11, 12 KJV