On New Year’s day, 2023, thoughts of the future swirled in my mind.

This is a yearly occurrence for me, but this year I felt inadequate to think of going forward into yet another unknown year.

I make so many mistakes. I wrestled with the thought that I might fail to be all that I should be… and came to the conclusion that without God, I am nothing.

With God, I can fill His calling for me.

So I asked God to help me grow this year… and I’ve asked Him a lot of other questions, too.

But He seems to be waiting to show me the answers. Instead, He has called me to surrender. Dedication to seeking to know Him instead of spending all my time seeking the answers I think I need.

It feels suspiciously like a waiting room…

But past experience has taught me that when life feels as if it’s on Pause, fighting it won’t change anything. It will only serve to make me more miserable.

The only logical thing to do to avoid frustration & defeat in a waiting room is to find something profitable to make use of the time.

In God’s waiting room, that means talking to Him. Listening for His voice. Praying… reading His word… sitting in His Presence.

This exercise of soul searching has been very revealing.

In fact, the best treatment for my problems has been given in the form of waiting. The Master Physician knows that I need to simply be still.

There’s a mirror in this waiting room… I started looking into it. Asking myself what’s wrong with me that I’m left to sit here instead of getting some answers from God.

As I gazed into my own heart, questioning why I react the way I do to potential challenges I might face in life, I found answers. Not the kind I wanted or even expected… but definitely what I needed.

I don’t need God to fix my life… He already has a perfect plan for it that includes this present moment. What really needs repairing… is myself.

I have ugly things in my heart I didn’t realize were there. Pride. Fear. Selfishness.

Where did I get this idea that things need to go my way? “I’ll be happy if this happens, God, and if it doesn’t, I’ll need You to help me through it.”

What made me think that trusting in God sounds anything like this… “I’ll go wherever You lead me, God, as long as it’s within the vision I have for my ideal life.”

Since when do I care so much what others think? I have insisted I don’t, to the point of taking pride in my self confidence.

True, I do a lot of things out of the box. My comfort zone is really quite large.

But then, when have I ever had to go out of it? I don’t know what that’s like. When push comes to shove… I only go to a certain point before saying I won’t consider this or that. Why?

Because…

“It looks scary. What do others think of me? I have an image to maintain.”

I can come up with all sorts of glossing-over-the-truth excuses. But deep within, fear is the root.

I have to face it… a heart that’s truly trusting God to lead says, “I’ll go wherever You lead, Father. Anywhere You want me. And I will trust You to provide for me.”

I asked myself… is my heart fully yielded?

Answers don’t always come the way we expect.

Certainly not in the gentle, relief bringing way we want them to come. In fact, sometimes the truest answers are the most difficult to face.

These answers don’t tell me anything more about my life, but they sure give me insight to my struggles.

Soul searching is scary. I have new respect for it. But oh, it’s worth it.

Dare to dive into it fully. Intensely. Actively. And be prepared to work with whatever you find… the freedom of a full surrender is found only by exhausting our own will, then opening our heart to God’s.

Seek Him wholeheartedly… He will show you what stands in the way of surrender.

He answers in His own time and way… on a journey which leads to ever greater surrender and openness to His will.

He doesn’t delay His answers… but sometimes we aren’t ready to hear them.

He always answers… and gives courage to do whatever those answers may call us to.

Praise God for answering every heart cry!